Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

TL:DR
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Adventure II

SO I'm finally gettin around to tellin the second story from the other day. Sometimes it surprises me how lazy i can be. Lol. So last Wednesday, Em took a trip to my uni and we went to the museum of human diseases. That place was pretty awesome. They had the actual body parts of people who had died from various diseases. I saw kidneys the size of a foot ball. Some guy's aorta had exploded because he had a mass of clotted blood the size of a tennis ball. I mean, this thing is supposed to be barely larger than a pen, and it had a fucking tennis ball sized blood clot in it. HOLYFUCK!

So typical me, as we were wandering around i made disgustingly humerous observations about mangled sections of human bodies. Most people would have been disgusted. Em laughed. That's why I'm friends with her lol. I think the funniest thing was a story about a little girl who "Suddenly grew nauseous, and died" (or something to that effect... I'll see if Em remembers the proper quote.) We also took bet's on whether a body part was male or female. I'm pretty sure i came out on top. I'm awesome like that.

One of the things that surprised me the most was how large internal organs actually are. Like, textbooks don't give you the sense of scale for how large the average human heart is. Or livers. And Spleens. They're big fucking organs.

Over all, it was a pretty good adventure. I came out of it feelin a bit wiser and only a little nauseous. I feel i should also mention the extreme awkwardness before we got inside. We got to the place and there was noone at the window. And a sign that said we should call some dude off the phone behind us. Only there was no phone. Or number. 

Anywho... Enjoy.