Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

TL:DR
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I get tired of saying i neglect you.

So i won't. Pretty much nothing has been happening in my life... Or nothing really blog worthy. I've had a few things I've vaguely wanted to talk about but nothing has really been blog worthy for a while... Makes me sad. I enjoy when I'm inspired to write something. Feels good to pour my heart out into these words and know that others may read them and get that little bit extra incite into what makes me tick. Because that's something that's always been very important to me. Often to an absurd degree.

For those of you who got lost somewhere between the title and this sentence, the topic of discussion is me. More specifically, because i don't have nearly enough time left in this life to fully describe my own awesomeness in sufficient detail, i feel like discussing what makes me who i am, and what makes me act how i do. In short, the following is my own psychoanalysis of myself.

Let's begin with my towering ego. Basically, all my self confidence boils down to the fact that i believe i am inferior to most of the people around me, and thus have nothing to lose. I use the fact that i am most indefinitely a loser of the best kind, as an excuse for not really caring about how potential actions could effect my social standing.

I got bored writing this, and decided now is the time to discuss music. Yeah, I'm in a strange mood today. I'm a little down, a little up, but nowhere in between. It's just been one of those days.

Music. Yes. Back on topic. I fucking love the used. They make me want to burst with emotion. I'm considering getting the bleeding heart emblem tattooed on me somewhere. Actually fuck music, let's discuss tattoos. I'm too scared to actually get one. Like I'm too scared to try drugs. I have an addictive personality and i know i won't be able to stop at just one. So i stop at 0. It's easier that way. Other things I've considered getting for tattoos are blink 182's smiley, and a treble and bass clef that my friend Nic had. For those that don't know he passed away a year ago (i mentioned it in a previous blog) and i think it would be a fitting tribute.

This is the heart logo. I was thinking it would look nice over my actual heart. 

The blink 182 smiley, probably on my shoulder (and in black not white)

The final one. Probably with N.J.C. above one of them. These are his actual tattoos btw. Taken off his myspace.

That'll do for now. I grow weary of attempting to maintain a coherent train of thought. I lack the emotional energy right now. Time to go stab something.