Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

TL:DR
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Day 09: A song that you can dance to

So many great choices. I could put some dubstep, DnB, House, Pop even good old punk rock... I could go for a classic, or something new... Hmm... I think i have to go with Party Rock Anthem. It's getting a bit stale now, but it was the fuckin boss when it first came out. And i finaly got to shuffle to it.

Day 08: A song that you know all the words to

You have no idea how tempted i was to put Barbra Streisand by Duck sauce as the song for this week. Instead, I'm gonna put a song by one of my favourite bands that might not otherwise get on here.

Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event

How'd you like to hear the story of my first kiss? It's not very exciting, but it's filled with the kind of charm that only teenage awkwardness can produce. And it all started with the following song. I was at Lav, the party i mentioned in my last post, and Wolfmother came on. Now, being the awesomely cheesy and hopeless goofball that i was back then, I started rippin some major air guitar. Not, rollin on the floor doin full world championship shit, just some power strums and head bangs. Because let's face it, the intro to this song is killer for air guitaring.

Suddenly, out of the blue, some chick taps em on the shoulder and asks "Can you play that song?" So I threw her a goof ball grin and went "I fuckin wish." And I'm not quite sure how it happened, but we ended up dancing together.

Now she was a pretty lass. Which is saying a lot, because Jonno K once hooked up with 8 girls in one night at that party, so talent was pretty lacking. So I was pretty fuckin chuffed at just dancing with a pretty girl. Fuck it, I'll be honest, i was pretty fuckin chuffed dancing with a girl. The fact that she was pretty practically blew my head in. So when her friend suggested that we hook up, my naive little mind melted, and i somehow ended up turning her down. I'd like to say that i had some grand ideal of what my first kiss should have been like, but i was just fuckin scared of being a fuck up. Which ironically made me a fuck up. I'm like that. Way too often.

So anyway, I'd just turned down the advances of a pretty girl (although i didn't realise it at first), and for some reason she kept dancing with me. And then at one point, i remember thinking "She smells really nice" and completely without thinking, i did the single most intelligent thing I'd ever done in my life up to that point. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Which she followed up with a full on make out session. We split up after a time, just before the end of the night, and after it ended, i managed to get her number.

What followed was a complicated and confusing pair of relationships that had a pretty massive impact on my life over the next 2 years. I'm not sure if she just magically possessed traits i would later find attractive, or if she single handedly defined a large part of what is now my "type" of woman. All i know is that a large portion of the women I've been attracted to since have shared many of physical features or personality traits.


So there's the story. And i got so caught up in the telling that i nearly forgot the song. But i hope you enjoyed reading about one of the pivotal moments in my life. That's when i really started turning from a child into a young adult. Oh right, the song.

Day 06: A song that reminds of you of somewhere

Back in the day, me and a couple mates used to go to this underage dance party near the city. Was called Lav, and it was pretty awesome. Tomorrow's song is definitely related, but I'll share that when its time comes. For now, i can't listen to this song without remembering. Dunno why this song triggers it so much, but it does.

Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone

So this one needs a bit of the back story. The last night i was in Germany, way back at the beginning of 2007, i stayed at Jana's house. We were in that slightly awkward we're practically dating, but shit's about to go down, so we're not really dating yet,  and we were just lying on her bed, listening to music. This song came on. I'm pretty sure i cried at the time. It so perfectly captured the moment. It went on to become 'our song' which means I haven't listened to it in a very long time, for obvious reasons. But it still reminds me of all the good that came out of that relationship. And now i can enjoy that feeling, guilt free.

Day 04: A song that makes you sad

Once again, a little late. Had a fuckin sick night in the city. Had a really fucking hot chick hitting on me, but then her and her friends left the club. So i just spent the rest of the time dancing and fuckin about. A good time was had by all i think. Anyway...

This song makes me wanna cry. It's so beautiful and so sad. I love it.