Saturday, July 30, 2011

A brief history of plastic explosive...

Captain Cracker's Creative Clay, otherwise known as C4 was originally created by an enterprising Meth Alchemist who went by the moniker Captain Cracker. Created as a method of smuggling meth-amphetamines into southern Bolivia disguised as children's modeling putty, the volatile mixture leveled the surrounding area for 3 city blocks in every direction. Reverse engineered from trace elements left at the scene, and from scattered notes found inscribed on solid gold plates (Meth Alchemy is a high-pay high-risk job), Palestinian Naval intelligence was eventually able to stabalise the mixture, at the expense of several amateur Alchemists.

The recipe was eventually sold to the Plastic Surgeons Associative Guild (P-SAG) as a filler substance for the left buttock. Marketed under the name Gibberwuck ("Gibberwuck, more bang for your buck"), it was used to put a little extra kick in the posteriors of such famous celebrities as Malcom in the Middle, Kirsten Dunst, and that annoying kid from that movie everyone hates.

After the outbreak of world war IV, and Zombie Hitler's release of the time traveling dinosaur cavalry, the Captain's clay was drafted for military service, loaded into hundreds of cannons and used to shoot the moon out of orbit, sending it crashing into Anti-Jesus' space station, The Mighty Unicorn, effectively ending the time traveling threat and realigning the fate of the universe on a less destructive path. C4's final noteworthy contribution to the war effort was to convince his most Supreme Eminence, Al Gore To hack into the source code of the universe and restore the moon to it's proper station.

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