Monday, September 12, 2011

day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Taking back sunday are fucking amazing. This isn't my favourite of their songs, that'll come later, but it's pretty awesome.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio

I dislike Adelle. She's a fantastic singer, but her songs just make me angry at the moment. And not in the way they're supposed to.

On morality and existensial meanings.

Formspring asked me in one of it's randomly generated questions "What is the best advice you've ever been given?"

My answer is thus: 'The universe doesn't care'.
Now this might seem really bleak, and not good advice at all. I mean, if the universe doesn't care, why do anything? Everything i achieve in life is meaningless in the end. But there's a deeper message in there. If the universe doesn't care, the only reason to do something is for the simple joy of the act itself, or the joy that the act will bring about later. I don't need to justify my actions under some twisted morality. Nor Heap praise upon a god i don't believe in, let alone care about.

The only reason to do something is because i believe it makes my world a better place. I do things only because they will at some point make me happy. If i do something nice for a stranger, i feel better knowing that i made their day that little bit more enjoyable. I date women because by making them happy, i make myself happy. And they (generally, with some depressing exceptions) then strive to make me happy in return. Pleasure is the ultimate end goal of life. The ultimate way to measure a man's success in life is by how much he enjoyed the simple act of living. A billionair tycoon can be a far lesser man than a poor african farmer. In 1000 years, Humanity will remember only the great political figures, and the tyrants. In 10 000 years, it will only remember the tyrants. In 500 000 years, it won't remember us at all, if humanity still even exists. So why strive to be remembered by everyone? All you can do is delay your fade into obscurity. And even then, only by vile acts. Instead, live life to the fullest, and get the most enjoyment out of it that you can. Because hte only point of life is to live.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate

Coincidentally, this was my phone's alarm for a good 6 months. I wonder if there's a connection.

day 15: A song that describes you

Hmm... I'm not really sure who I am at the moment. I'm not sure how i would go about describing myself in words, let alone a song. Hot Chel Ray's new song does a pretty good job of describing my current attitude, but that's not really me. Instead I'll show you a song that defined who i was for so fucking long. This, and a few other songs, was my entire adolescence, from age 14 until i turned 18ish. The Used, My Chemical Romance, Paramore and Blink182 practically moulded who i was and to an extent who i am now. But this song in particular takes the cake.

Friday, September 09, 2011

A brief update on my mental state, and a recap of certain important events.

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering how I'm coping with life at the moment. Or, at least one or two people. Maybe a third if I'm lucky. Well long story short, I'm actually doing pretty well. There have been some bad moments (the other day i just felt so alone. I didn't wanna talk to anyone.) but over all I've done pretty well. There hasn't been any soul crushing heartache, I haven't felt the urge to desperate rebound, and I'm not feeling a pressing desire to repeat the same mistakes. And i haven't had a return of my depression yet, which is totally fantastic. In a way, I'll miss it, it was kind of an old friend, but at the same time, I'm glad to see the back of it. It was comforting at times, but terrifying at others.

In other news, I saw Carla today for the first time since. For drama's sake, I'll describe the potential ways i thought it could play out.
Scenario 1: I'm still madly in love with her and want to get back together. This would end badly. Oh so badly. If she didn't want to I'd get my heart stomped on once again. And if she did? Things would probably end up even worse than they were before. I'm glad my heart was smart enough to avoid this one...
Because i would not be doing well afterwards.
Scenario 2: I'm still madly in love with her and every second we're together is agony because I know i can't have her. The thing about this one is that I would probably have gone on as if everything was fine, even though it would be killing me inside. I would know that it's for the best, so there would have been no way I could let it show, because I know that seeing me in pain would hurt her, and I couldn't live with that.
Scenario 3: I'm still horribly resentful of her for everything she's done to me. This would not have ended well for obvious reasons. This would kill any chance at us remaining friends over the next few months. And I would be completely justified in feeling this way.
Scenario 4: She desperately regrets everything and wants to get back together. I would have been fucked. So fucked. Because despite my brain, and my support network, and my past experience screaming "NO YOU FUCK HEAD THIS IS A BAD IDEA! BAD! NO NO NO!" I was not convinced that I could actually turn her down.
Now the point of all this is that I didn't actually know how I would feel until I saw her. I had no way of knowing how I would react to her, or how i should be acting around her, let alone how she felt about me, and how she would react. These may seem a little extreme, but they were all very real possibilities. At least to me they were. I honestly had no idea how i felt about her any more. The only things i knew were that at least some of me still loved her, and i missed being close to someone. And part of me does resent her, but i didn't know how much.

So here's how it played out. It seems almost like a compromise between my totally logical brain, and the irrationally emotional facets of my personality. They hit this nice middle ground all on their own, where I feel like I'm walking down the correct path and doing what's best for me, but without sacrificing the emotional connection that holds back the loneliness. I still love her, but not enough to risk my heart. I still resent her, but not enough to cause tension. I miss the friend, but not the girlfriend. I'm in this middle ground where i can have my freedom without the need to use it to find fulfillment. I'm not sure if that's making sense.
Basically like, I still love her, but it's not enough that i feel like getting back together is a good idea. Even if she'd wanted to. And there's enough of me that still hates her for what she did to me that I'll keep my guard up until she earns it's lowering, but not enough that the afternoon was tense. I'm at a stage where i can stop myself from making mistakes, but still enjoy her company. I don't trust her, she still has to earn that, but it's not important because I know i can avoid letting her hurt me. I'm in the right frame of mind to continue as friends.

It helps a bit that she regrets what she's done. Now that she has freedom, she's realised what it cost her. Is it wrong that i enjoy that a little? I'm not sure. It's probably not a good thing, but i can't help it. The fact that she's realised the immensity of her fuckup makes me a little happier on the inside. But i have my freedom now. And i may not have wanted it, but i definitely plan on enjoying it.

In short, met up with ex,

Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love

I'm not sure why i like this track. I hate the rest of her stuff. It all bugs me. But this song is freaking awesome.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure

I'm not sure what they mean by this... I would assume it's a song that i enjoy but really shouldn't. But that seems to run into tomorrows 'A song that no-one would expect you to like' so i dunno. I really have no idea what to put here... Hmm.. I'm just gonna go with this one...

Monday, September 05, 2011

Day 12: A song from a band you hate

I've never liked a single song from these guys. I keep getting told that their old stuff is good, but I've only heard the new, and it's all terrible.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Day 11: A song from your favourite band

So i missed a day. It's tempting to do a 2fer today, but i think I'll just delay the end a day. Anyway, fantastic song, even more fantastic band.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep

Not sure what to put here... Nothing really comes to mind, there aren't any songs that put me to sleep. So i'll put my favourite track off my favourite album for relaxation.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

= \

Day 09: A song that you can dance to

So many great choices. I could put some dubstep, DnB, House, Pop even good old punk rock... I could go for a classic, or something new... Hmm... I think i have to go with Party Rock Anthem. It's getting a bit stale now, but it was the fuckin boss when it first came out. And i finaly got to shuffle to it.