Thursday, September 01, 2011

Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

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