A brief update on my mental state, and a recap of certain important events.

I'm sure a lot of you are wondering how I'm coping with life at the moment. Or, at least one or two people. Maybe a third if I'm lucky. Well long story short, I'm actually doing pretty well. There have been some bad moments (the other day i just felt so alone. I didn't wanna talk to anyone.) but over all I've done pretty well. There hasn't been any soul crushing heartache, I haven't felt the urge to desperate rebound, and I'm not feeling a pressing desire to repeat the same mistakes. And i haven't had a return of my depression yet, which is totally fantastic. In a way, I'll miss it, it was kind of an old friend, but at the same time, I'm glad to see the back of it. It was comforting at times, but terrifying at others.

In other news, I saw Carla today for the first time since. For drama's sake, I'll describe the potential ways i thought it could play out.
Scenario 1: I'm still madly in love with her and want to get back together. This would end badly. Oh so badly. If she didn't want to I'd get my heart stomped on once again. And if she did? Things would probably end up even worse than they were before. I'm glad my heart was smart enough to avoid this one...
Because i would not be doing well afterwards.
Scenario 2: I'm still madly in love with her and every second we're together is agony because I know i can't have her. The thing about this one is that I would probably have gone on as if everything was fine, even though it would be killing me inside. I would know that it's for the best, so there would have been no way I could let it show, because I know that seeing me in pain would hurt her, and I couldn't live with that.
Scenario 3: I'm still horribly resentful of her for everything she's done to me. This would not have ended well for obvious reasons. This would kill any chance at us remaining friends over the next few months. And I would be completely justified in feeling this way.
Scenario 4: She desperately regrets everything and wants to get back together. I would have been fucked. So fucked. Because despite my brain, and my support network, and my past experience screaming "NO YOU FUCK HEAD THIS IS A BAD IDEA! BAD! NO NO NO!" I was not convinced that I could actually turn her down.
Now the point of all this is that I didn't actually know how I would feel until I saw her. I had no way of knowing how I would react to her, or how i should be acting around her, let alone how she felt about me, and how she would react. These may seem a little extreme, but they were all very real possibilities. At least to me they were. I honestly had no idea how i felt about her any more. The only things i knew were that at least some of me still loved her, and i missed being close to someone. And part of me does resent her, but i didn't know how much.

So here's how it played out. It seems almost like a compromise between my totally logical brain, and the irrationally emotional facets of my personality. They hit this nice middle ground all on their own, where I feel like I'm walking down the correct path and doing what's best for me, but without sacrificing the emotional connection that holds back the loneliness. I still love her, but not enough to risk my heart. I still resent her, but not enough to cause tension. I miss the friend, but not the girlfriend. I'm in this middle ground where i can have my freedom without the need to use it to find fulfillment. I'm not sure if that's making sense.
Basically like, I still love her, but it's not enough that i feel like getting back together is a good idea. Even if she'd wanted to. And there's enough of me that still hates her for what she did to me that I'll keep my guard up until she earns it's lowering, but not enough that the afternoon was tense. I'm at a stage where i can stop myself from making mistakes, but still enjoy her company. I don't trust her, she still has to earn that, but it's not important because I know i can avoid letting her hurt me. I'm in the right frame of mind to continue as friends.

It helps a bit that she regrets what she's done. Now that she has freedom, she's realised what it cost her. Is it wrong that i enjoy that a little? I'm not sure. It's probably not a good thing, but i can't help it. The fact that she's realised the immensity of her fuckup makes me a little happier on the inside. But i have my freedom now. And i may not have wanted it, but i definitely plan on enjoying it.

In short, met up with ex,

Burnt out

So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.

Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.

In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.

I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.

As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.

TL:DR
= \

Work work work...

Pretty much all I've been doin for the last two weeks... Sucks balls, but meh. Did my christmas shoppin today. Took all of an hour. I don't get why people need weeks and weeks to do it. Fuck that. Got shit for my family and my woman. Everyone else can get fucked lol.
In other, unrelated news, turned 19 on friday. Feel exactly the same. I don't wanna be 19. That's fuckin old man. OLD! I still feel like I'm 16 at times. And apparently i still look it. I keep gettin asked what school i go to by workmates. Haven't gone to school in a year. Hell, I've barely gone to uni in that time. But the look on their face when i say I'm at UNSW doin computer science is entertainin. But my workmates are pretty cool overall.
On another strange tangent, I'm goin to Fiji in febuary. Me and Carla are goin for her birthday. It's gonna be mcHectic. If i can, I'll blog during, otherwise I'll recap the week when i get back. I'm excited. Tickets were paid for today.
Last but not least, my 'rents are goin away for new years. Gonna have a mad party at my house. Even if no-one comes lol. Prob's shouldn't have left it to the last minute but who cares. Who ever turns up, it'll be fun.
That's the end of things i can think about that are worth talking about. About. About. About. Lolwut.

Enjoy.

I'm sorry my love...

I've been unfaithful. I'm living in sin with my other great love. It's just not gonna work out with you. I'm sorry Internet, i can't be with both you and Carla at the same time. Mostly because i have better things (people) to do. If you want, we can have an affair together. I never want to be completely separated from you. You are another part of my soul. Just, a lesser one.

So I'm dropping the jilted lover thing. It was amusing for the first few lines, then i got bored. Basically i haven't been posting because I've been too busy living. I shall attempt to give a quick recap of events.

My parent's left for Indo a week ago. They'll be back in another week. Mum took dad on a trip, and he had no idea where he was going, or who he was going with. It was pretty adorable. They're having fun, from what I've heard. I'm glad. We're not going to Indo this Christmas, so I'm glad Dad got to go. He never says it, but he starts to miss home. I can tell.

Carla's parent's also mysteriously vanished. She's now home alone. Or would be if i wasn't here. I was home twice last week. Tuesday and Sunday. It has been, how can i put this... Pretty... Fuckin... Awesome... =D

I'm living off Mac cheese, reheated food and pizza. It's amazing. I'm eatin Milo cereal for breakfast, and having large quantities of bacon... LOL I SAID TITIES! =P

Speaking of bacon, everyone must know this. GRILLING BACON IS BY FAR THE MOST DELICIOUS WAY TO COOK IT! EVER! Seriously though. If you've never had grilled bacon, you're missing out. You might think pan-fried bacon was amazing, but it pales in comparison. Take it straight from the fridge or freezer, and stick it straight under the grill. I had it at about 180c. It defrosts while it cooks, so you don't need to bother with that. Just keep an eye on it and turn it occasionally (the individual pieces as well as the large frozen block). Key point to take note of is that the underside of the frozen block of bacon actually defrosts faster than the top, due to metal's conduction of heat. So keep a watch on it. It'll brown deliciously. That's when you know it's ready.

If you don't believe me when i say how amazing it is, let me cook you bacon some time. You won't regret it.

As for other parts of my life, I still haven't had a shift. Apparently, I probably won't until november, when they start needing the people they 'hired'. Lamezorz...

Uni's going bearably. I only have this week and next week before exams, so i can hold up. Buy I'm damn sick of Psychology and Math. Thankfully, I probably won't fail either, due to changes in the weighting of the maths marks, but I'm bored shitless in both of them, and I'm not really following the classwork anymore. Next year, I'm sticking to Philosophy and Engineering subjects. They're at least fun. I don't think there's much more to talk about. Time to go jump on my girlfriend. I've been neglecting her to write this.

Enjoy.

Herp derp...

Who in their right mind employs me? Seriously. How fucking retarted are they. But i guess it's pretty apt. For the slow ones amoungst you, as of today, I AM EMPLOYED! At the Reject Shop no less. Yeah, i laughed too. So now i can totally pretend to earn money and stuff... I hope it's fun. And i can finally start paying my girlfriend the hundreds of dollars i owe her... Maybe not hundreds... But it's a lot. She's gonna get taken to so many dinners. And not have to pay for both our meals... = \

Oh well, I'll finally be cured of this dreadful poor i caught. Terrible disease that one. Not really much more i wanna say... Life's been pretty meh. Uni sucks balls. Other things are only slightly better. Herp de derp.

Enjoy.