Sometimes i hate being me. I care too much, and too easily. My overwhelming sense of honour and justice holds me back from saying things that i need to say, because they're not just my secrets, but someone elses. And it hurts to know that no matter how much i want to, I could never live with myself for saying them. My relationship's fallen apart. As in, past tense. I've been set on artificially lengthening it, in the hopeless delusion that I could be happy for a week. But i know that's not going to work. I fucking exploded today, over a small misunderstanding. Because every fibre of my being is in horrendous pain. I'm putting myself through the most horrible of tortures. I haven't been happy for a month now. Sadly, over the years, I've become exceptionally good at pretending I'm ok. I don't think anyone realised that i was suffering depression until about year 12. So only a few people noticed that I'm not enjoying life anymore.
It's time to stop putting myself through this. I'm sure you all know what happened to me a month ago. Or, some of it. I got dumped, out of nowhere. It could not have come at a worse time. I can't tell you why it happened, it's not my secret to share. But i can tell you why it shouldn't have. On the 27th of July, 2011, William Pandelles Georgans, one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth and the greatest grandfather I could ever have hoped for, passed away in his bed at the SAN hospital, after a 3 month fight with bowel cancer. 3 days later, my girlfriend of the last 18 months told me that we couldn't be together any more. 2 days later, we agreed that it was a mistake and should be undone. For about 4 hours, i was actually happy. And then she told me why it had happened. Part of me screams "FUCK IT TELL THEM!" And the rest of me goes, it would make things worse for everyone involved. I've only told 3 people, my mum, my conscience, and my best friend. Don't ask, i won't explain. But in the end, i accepted it, and took her back. I didn't have a choice, i needed her way too much. Because the next day was the funeral.
What followed was a period of intense self discovery for both of us. Moreso for her at first, but also for me. I was trying to make her into someone she didn't want to be, and she was giving back a mere fraction of what she was receiving. So we're calling it quits. Tomorrow will be the last hurrah, and then it will be over. And when it is, and everyone goes to type "OMFG ARE YOU OK?" like they actually care, I'll link this to you all. And those that actually care will know, that I'll be fine. Eventually. Everyone else can fuck off.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Games I'm lookin forward to...
What: Set in the future, human augmentation is rampant, cool shit happens. That's all i really know about the plot lol.
Why: Looks like a fantastic mix of RPG and FPS elements. Also, promises great things in terms of diverse playstyles. Assaulting, Stealth, Hacking etc. all seem like genuinely possible ways to play the game. Unlike say, Oblivion, where stealth was pretty much useless for 75% of the game.
What: Gotham City has been taken over by villians (Pretty sure it's the Riddler, and that dude is fuckin bad ass), as the goddamn batman hop over there and kick some ass.
Why: The first game is fantastic. Like, you actually feel like you're the Goddam Batman! Nothing feels better than taking down a room full of bad guys without anyone seeing you. I haven't finished it yet, but setting up traps is just so much fun. The sequel should be fantastic.
What: Everyone should already know about this.
Why: Dragons. Fucking DRAGONS! FUCK! And Oblivion was fantastic, if limited, and Bethesda learns from their mistakes. So skyrim is going to be amazing. (As a side note, they invented a fucking language for the dragons! Like, creatures in the wilderness will talk dragon to you, and it can actually be translated!)
What: You're a Ninja with magic powers, who was framed for the murder of the empress you were sworn to protect. A rat plague has brought society to the brink of collapse, and killed something like 80% of the population.
Why: This game threatens to explode my head with its sheer awesomeness. The variation in playstyles is amazing. Every single scenario can be approached in any way you want. You can do every single level without killing a single enemy, even your 'target' can be left alive if you think he deserves it. If you run in and butcher guards, you might miss a conversation between them that reveals some secret you can use to make things easier later. Look at the game informer website on dishonoured. Its fantastic.
What: Climb buildings, fuck people up. Also, explore an awesome alternate history.
Why: The series has me hooked. The first game was almost unplayable at times, but the story had me playing for hours at a time. Each installment has definably better gameplay. And the story of AC:2 blew my mind. I'm buying this game on day of release. That's how much i want it.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A brief history of plastic explosive...
Captain Cracker's Creative Clay, otherwise known as C4 was originally created by an enterprising Meth Alchemist who went by the moniker Captain Cracker. Created as a method of smuggling meth-amphetamines into southern Bolivia disguised as children's modeling putty, the volatile mixture leveled the surrounding area for 3 city blocks in every direction. Reverse engineered from trace elements left at the scene, and from scattered notes found inscribed on solid gold plates (Meth Alchemy is a high-pay high-risk job), Palestinian Naval intelligence was eventually able to stabalise the mixture, at the expense of several amateur Alchemists.
The recipe was eventually sold to the Plastic Surgeons Associative Guild (P-SAG) as a filler substance for the left buttock. Marketed under the name Gibberwuck ("Gibberwuck, more bang for your buck"), it was used to put a little extra kick in the posteriors of such famous celebrities as Malcom in the Middle, Kirsten Dunst, and that annoying kid from that movie everyone hates.
After the outbreak of world war IV, and Zombie Hitler's release of the time traveling dinosaur cavalry, the Captain's clay was drafted for military service, loaded into hundreds of cannons and used to shoot the moon out of orbit, sending it crashing into Anti-Jesus' space station, The Mighty Unicorn, effectively ending the time traveling threat and realigning the fate of the universe on a less destructive path. C4's final noteworthy contribution to the war effort was to convince his most Supreme Eminence, Al Gore To hack into the source code of the universe and restore the moon to it's proper station.
The recipe was eventually sold to the Plastic Surgeons Associative Guild (P-SAG) as a filler substance for the left buttock. Marketed under the name Gibberwuck ("Gibberwuck, more bang for your buck"), it was used to put a little extra kick in the posteriors of such famous celebrities as Malcom in the Middle, Kirsten Dunst, and that annoying kid from that movie everyone hates.
After the outbreak of world war IV, and Zombie Hitler's release of the time traveling dinosaur cavalry, the Captain's clay was drafted for military service, loaded into hundreds of cannons and used to shoot the moon out of orbit, sending it crashing into Anti-Jesus' space station, The Mighty Unicorn, effectively ending the time traveling threat and realigning the fate of the universe on a less destructive path. C4's final noteworthy contribution to the war effort was to convince his most Supreme Eminence, Al Gore To hack into the source code of the universe and restore the moon to it's proper station.
Now you're just somebody that i used to know...
Just heard this played, and it resonated strongly...
As a side note, Lady gaga's been involved in a lot of songs lately. Stuff i never realised.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DnB
Lately I've been listening to a lot of drum and bass music. That shit is amazing. To anyone who likes dubstep, it's what gave birth to that whole scene. Think of dubstep as DnB's retarded little cousin. It's faster, more consistent beat, and less annoying WUB WUB WUB WUB BRRRRRRRUB. I mean, there's still some wobbles in it, but there's actualy melody to it, not just noise. And unlike dubstep, the majority of it is acutally fairly good. If i've peaked your interest here's some tracks to youtube.
for her - x-bass.
me and you - Nero (dirtyphonics remix)
one - Netsky.
ashley - Slipstream.
just one second - Apex.
for her - x-bass.
me and you - Nero (dirtyphonics remix)
one - Netsky.
ashley - Slipstream.
just one second - Apex.
Monday, May 09, 2011
New laptop!
It's so fuckin awesome. This thing is ridiculous amounts of overkill for what i need (akin to crushing ants with a monster truck), but it wasn't actually that expensive so FUCKYEAH! For those that care, the specs are
Intel I7 something something quadcore
6G ram
500G HDD
nvidia gforce something something 1G
Anyway, it's amazing. Only problem is, it's almost too big for my backpack, and it's pretty damn heavy. Otherwise the thing is boss. I shall name it something classy and sophisticated at some point. And then I'll put an invader zim sticker on it and only ever refer to it as G.I.R.
Intel I7 something something quadcore
6G ram
500G HDD
nvidia gforce something something 1G
Anyway, it's amazing. Only problem is, it's almost too big for my backpack, and it's pretty damn heavy. Otherwise the thing is boss. I shall name it something classy and sophisticated at some point. And then I'll put an invader zim sticker on it and only ever refer to it as G.I.R.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Determinism, Free Will, and the fate of us all...
For those of you who don't know, there are two theories on how the time line of the universe will play out. The first, determinism suggests that for any given state of the universe, there is only 1 possible state that can follow it. What this basically means is that history only has 1 possible path. The alternative to this, indeterminism, is the polar opposite. It says that there is at least 1 point at which there are at least two possible states that can follow. So the time line of history has at least one place where it can branch off.
Most people i think would tend to be indeterministic. We all feel that at any moment we can do one of a number of things, all of which would change the flow of history. That if we went to work, we'd get paid, and have a food for the next few weeks, or id we didn't, and spent the day at the beach, we'd be fired and have to get a new job. Things like that. If history only has one path, it means that we never really have a choice in anything we do. However, people also seem to believe in destinies. That there is some master plan and that everything you do is leading up towards important events. These two ideas seem to conflict on the surface. How can we have choice, but still have a destiny?
The answer lies in the shape of the history timeline. Does every small change have a butterfly effect? if i step a few inches in-front of where I'm supposed to, do i cause earthquakes in south america? I'd have to say no. Your step has a lasting affect on the world, but it is insignificantly minor on a human scale. The microbes you step on, and the dust particles you disturb are forever different, but history would follow a parallel path overall, only minorly separated from the main timeline. And so one could make decisions, branch history, and then destiny could cause it to realign with required events. If I'm supposed to die being hit by a train tomorrow, no matter what i do from now on I'm going to get hit by that train.
Now that i have shown destiny and indeterminism are not mutually exclusive, there was another point I'd like to raise. Are determinism and free will mutually exclusive? Can history only have one possible path, but people still have the freedom to make decisions? Am i being compelled by fate to write this blog, or am i simply doing it because i want to?
let us run a simple thought experiment. You are sitting at a computer, reading this text. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a bright flash of light, and as it fades you realise you are standing in a room with no indication of how you got there. You look in front of you and see a door. In fact the room is perfectly square, with a door in the center of every wall. The doors are all coloured differently, red, blue, green and white. Written on a sign to the right of every door are the words "One door will lead to your freedom, the others your doom". There is no indication which door you should choose, so on a whim, you pick the blue door. Suddenly you are surrounded by a bright light. You reappear in the center of the room. You have no idea how you got there, and no recollection of the events since you first appeared. You have even been de-aged by the few minutes you spent there last time. You are exactly as you were when you first entered the room. What do you do?
Exactly what you did before. Everything, in the same order, at the same time. You would spend the rest of eternity opening the white door. Why? Because given the same information, and the same set of experiences, you will always pick the same decisions. It doesn't make sense for you to pick the white door one time, and the blue door the next, for you have no idea that the white door won't work. You'll always think that the white door is your best first option. But it is still your decision to pick the white door. You are completely capable of picking blue, or red, or green, but you never will. So you can have a fixed fate, that you bring upon yourself with your own free will, whether knowningly or not.
I'm not sure if there was more i wanted to say. This has been the effort of about 3 days on and off, so sorry if it's a bit disjointed. Comment on anything that seems unclear. And for the record, I'm pro free-will + determinism.
Most people i think would tend to be indeterministic. We all feel that at any moment we can do one of a number of things, all of which would change the flow of history. That if we went to work, we'd get paid, and have a food for the next few weeks, or id we didn't, and spent the day at the beach, we'd be fired and have to get a new job. Things like that. If history only has one path, it means that we never really have a choice in anything we do. However, people also seem to believe in destinies. That there is some master plan and that everything you do is leading up towards important events. These two ideas seem to conflict on the surface. How can we have choice, but still have a destiny?
The answer lies in the shape of the history timeline. Does every small change have a butterfly effect? if i step a few inches in-front of where I'm supposed to, do i cause earthquakes in south america? I'd have to say no. Your step has a lasting affect on the world, but it is insignificantly minor on a human scale. The microbes you step on, and the dust particles you disturb are forever different, but history would follow a parallel path overall, only minorly separated from the main timeline. And so one could make decisions, branch history, and then destiny could cause it to realign with required events. If I'm supposed to die being hit by a train tomorrow, no matter what i do from now on I'm going to get hit by that train.
Now that i have shown destiny and indeterminism are not mutually exclusive, there was another point I'd like to raise. Are determinism and free will mutually exclusive? Can history only have one possible path, but people still have the freedom to make decisions? Am i being compelled by fate to write this blog, or am i simply doing it because i want to?
let us run a simple thought experiment. You are sitting at a computer, reading this text. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a bright flash of light, and as it fades you realise you are standing in a room with no indication of how you got there. You look in front of you and see a door. In fact the room is perfectly square, with a door in the center of every wall. The doors are all coloured differently, red, blue, green and white. Written on a sign to the right of every door are the words "One door will lead to your freedom, the others your doom". There is no indication which door you should choose, so on a whim, you pick the blue door. Suddenly you are surrounded by a bright light. You reappear in the center of the room. You have no idea how you got there, and no recollection of the events since you first appeared. You have even been de-aged by the few minutes you spent there last time. You are exactly as you were when you first entered the room. What do you do?
Exactly what you did before. Everything, in the same order, at the same time. You would spend the rest of eternity opening the white door. Why? Because given the same information, and the same set of experiences, you will always pick the same decisions. It doesn't make sense for you to pick the white door one time, and the blue door the next, for you have no idea that the white door won't work. You'll always think that the white door is your best first option. But it is still your decision to pick the white door. You are completely capable of picking blue, or red, or green, but you never will. So you can have a fixed fate, that you bring upon yourself with your own free will, whether knowningly or not.
I'm not sure if there was more i wanted to say. This has been the effort of about 3 days on and off, so sorry if it's a bit disjointed. Comment on anything that seems unclear. And for the record, I'm pro free-will + determinism.
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