Taking back sunday are fucking amazing. This isn't my favourite of their songs, that'll come later, but it's pretty awesome.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio
I dislike Adelle. She's a fantastic singer, but her songs just make me angry at the moment. And not in the way they're supposed to.
On morality and existensial meanings.
Formspring asked me in one of it's randomly generated questions "What is the best advice you've ever been given?"
My answer is thus: 'The universe doesn't care'.
Now this might seem really bleak, and not good advice at all. I mean, if the universe doesn't care, why do anything? Everything i achieve in life is meaningless in the end. But there's a deeper message in there. If the universe doesn't care, the only reason to do something is for the simple joy of the act itself, or the joy that the act will bring about later. I don't need to justify my actions under some twisted morality. Nor Heap praise upon a god i don't believe in, let alone care about.
The only reason to do something is because i believe it makes my world a better place. I do things only because they will at some point make me happy. If i do something nice for a stranger, i feel better knowing that i made their day that little bit more enjoyable. I date women because by making them happy, i make myself happy. And they (generally, with some depressing exceptions) then strive to make me happy in return. Pleasure is the ultimate end goal of life. The ultimate way to measure a man's success in life is by how much he enjoyed the simple act of living. A billionair tycoon can be a far lesser man than a poor african farmer. In 1000 years, Humanity will remember only the great political figures, and the tyrants. In 10 000 years, it will only remember the tyrants. In 500 000 years, it won't remember us at all, if humanity still even exists. So why strive to be remembered by everyone? All you can do is delay your fade into obscurity. And even then, only by vile acts. Instead, live life to the fullest, and get the most enjoyment out of it that you can. Because hte only point of life is to live.
My answer is thus: 'The universe doesn't care'.
Now this might seem really bleak, and not good advice at all. I mean, if the universe doesn't care, why do anything? Everything i achieve in life is meaningless in the end. But there's a deeper message in there. If the universe doesn't care, the only reason to do something is for the simple joy of the act itself, or the joy that the act will bring about later. I don't need to justify my actions under some twisted morality. Nor Heap praise upon a god i don't believe in, let alone care about.
The only reason to do something is because i believe it makes my world a better place. I do things only because they will at some point make me happy. If i do something nice for a stranger, i feel better knowing that i made their day that little bit more enjoyable. I date women because by making them happy, i make myself happy. And they (generally, with some depressing exceptions) then strive to make me happy in return. Pleasure is the ultimate end goal of life. The ultimate way to measure a man's success in life is by how much he enjoyed the simple act of living. A billionair tycoon can be a far lesser man than a poor african farmer. In 1000 years, Humanity will remember only the great political figures, and the tyrants. In 10 000 years, it will only remember the tyrants. In 500 000 years, it won't remember us at all, if humanity still even exists. So why strive to be remembered by everyone? All you can do is delay your fade into obscurity. And even then, only by vile acts. Instead, live life to the fullest, and get the most enjoyment out of it that you can. Because hte only point of life is to live.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate
Coincidentally, this was my phone's alarm for a good 6 months. I wonder if there's a connection.
day 15: A song that describes you
Hmm... I'm not really sure who I am at the moment. I'm not sure how i would go about describing myself in words, let alone a song. Hot Chel Ray's new song does a pretty good job of describing my current attitude, but that's not really me. Instead I'll show you a song that defined who i was for so fucking long. This, and a few other songs, was my entire adolescence, from age 14 until i turned 18ish. The Used, My Chemical Romance, Paramore and Blink182 practically moulded who i was and to an extent who i am now. But this song in particular takes the cake.
Friday, September 09, 2011
A brief update on my mental state, and a recap of certain important events.
I'm sure a lot of you are wondering how I'm coping with life at the moment. Or, at least one or two people. Maybe a third if I'm lucky. Well long story short, I'm actually doing pretty well. There have been some bad moments (the other day i just felt so alone. I didn't wanna talk to anyone.) but over all I've done pretty well. There hasn't been any soul crushing heartache, I haven't felt the urge to desperate rebound, and I'm not feeling a pressing desire to repeat the same mistakes. And i haven't had a return of my depression yet, which is totally fantastic. In a way, I'll miss it, it was kind of an old friend, but at the same time, I'm glad to see the back of it. It was comforting at times, but terrifying at others.
In other news, I saw Carla today for the first time since. For drama's sake, I'll describe the potential ways i thought it could play out.
Scenario 1: I'm still madly in love with her and want to get back together. This would end badly. Oh so badly. If she didn't want to I'd get my heart stomped on once again. And if she did? Things would probably end up even worse than they were before. I'm glad my heart was smart enough to avoid this one...
Because i would not be doing well afterwards.
Scenario 2: I'm still madly in love with her and every second we're together is agony because I know i can't have her. The thing about this one is that I would probably have gone on as if everything was fine, even though it would be killing me inside. I would know that it's for the best, so there would have been no way I could let it show, because I know that seeing me in pain would hurt her, and I couldn't live with that.
Scenario 3: I'm still horribly resentful of her for everything she's done to me. This would not have ended well for obvious reasons. This would kill any chance at us remaining friends over the next few months. And I would be completely justified in feeling this way.
Scenario 4: She desperately regrets everything and wants to get back together. I would have been fucked. So fucked. Because despite my brain, and my support network, and my past experience screaming "NO YOU FUCK HEAD THIS IS A BAD IDEA! BAD! NO NO NO!" I was not convinced that I could actually turn her down.
Now the point of all this is that I didn't actually know how I would feel until I saw her. I had no way of knowing how I would react to her, or how i should be acting around her, let alone how she felt about me, and how she would react. These may seem a little extreme, but they were all very real possibilities. At least to me they were. I honestly had no idea how i felt about her any more. The only things i knew were that at least some of me still loved her, and i missed being close to someone. And part of me does resent her, but i didn't know how much.
So here's how it played out. It seems almost like a compromise between my totally logical brain, and the irrationally emotional facets of my personality. They hit this nice middle ground all on their own, where I feel like I'm walking down the correct path and doing what's best for me, but without sacrificing the emotional connection that holds back the loneliness. I still love her, but not enough to risk my heart. I still resent her, but not enough to cause tension. I miss the friend, but not the girlfriend. I'm in this middle ground where i can have my freedom without the need to use it to find fulfillment. I'm not sure if that's making sense.
Basically like, I still love her, but it's not enough that i feel like getting back together is a good idea. Even if she'd wanted to. And there's enough of me that still hates her for what she did to me that I'll keep my guard up until she earns it's lowering, but not enough that the afternoon was tense. I'm at a stage where i can stop myself from making mistakes, but still enjoy her company. I don't trust her, she still has to earn that, but it's not important because I know i can avoid letting her hurt me. I'm in the right frame of mind to continue as friends.
It helps a bit that she regrets what she's done. Now that she has freedom, she's realised what it cost her. Is it wrong that i enjoy that a little? I'm not sure. It's probably not a good thing, but i can't help it. The fact that she's realised the immensity of her fuckup makes me a little happier on the inside. But i have my freedom now. And i may not have wanted it, but i definitely plan on enjoying it.
In short, met up with ex,
In other news, I saw Carla today for the first time since. For drama's sake, I'll describe the potential ways i thought it could play out.
Scenario 1: I'm still madly in love with her and want to get back together. This would end badly. Oh so badly. If she didn't want to I'd get my heart stomped on once again. And if she did? Things would probably end up even worse than they were before. I'm glad my heart was smart enough to avoid this one...
Because i would not be doing well afterwards.
Scenario 2: I'm still madly in love with her and every second we're together is agony because I know i can't have her. The thing about this one is that I would probably have gone on as if everything was fine, even though it would be killing me inside. I would know that it's for the best, so there would have been no way I could let it show, because I know that seeing me in pain would hurt her, and I couldn't live with that.
Scenario 3: I'm still horribly resentful of her for everything she's done to me. This would not have ended well for obvious reasons. This would kill any chance at us remaining friends over the next few months. And I would be completely justified in feeling this way.
Scenario 4: She desperately regrets everything and wants to get back together. I would have been fucked. So fucked. Because despite my brain, and my support network, and my past experience screaming "NO YOU FUCK HEAD THIS IS A BAD IDEA! BAD! NO NO NO!" I was not convinced that I could actually turn her down.
Now the point of all this is that I didn't actually know how I would feel until I saw her. I had no way of knowing how I would react to her, or how i should be acting around her, let alone how she felt about me, and how she would react. These may seem a little extreme, but they were all very real possibilities. At least to me they were. I honestly had no idea how i felt about her any more. The only things i knew were that at least some of me still loved her, and i missed being close to someone. And part of me does resent her, but i didn't know how much.
So here's how it played out. It seems almost like a compromise between my totally logical brain, and the irrationally emotional facets of my personality. They hit this nice middle ground all on their own, where I feel like I'm walking down the correct path and doing what's best for me, but without sacrificing the emotional connection that holds back the loneliness. I still love her, but not enough to risk my heart. I still resent her, but not enough to cause tension. I miss the friend, but not the girlfriend. I'm in this middle ground where i can have my freedom without the need to use it to find fulfillment. I'm not sure if that's making sense.
Basically like, I still love her, but it's not enough that i feel like getting back together is a good idea. Even if she'd wanted to. And there's enough of me that still hates her for what she did to me that I'll keep my guard up until she earns it's lowering, but not enough that the afternoon was tense. I'm at a stage where i can stop myself from making mistakes, but still enjoy her company. I don't trust her, she still has to earn that, but it's not important because I know i can avoid letting her hurt me. I'm in the right frame of mind to continue as friends.
It helps a bit that she regrets what she's done. Now that she has freedom, she's realised what it cost her. Is it wrong that i enjoy that a little? I'm not sure. It's probably not a good thing, but i can't help it. The fact that she's realised the immensity of her fuckup makes me a little happier on the inside. But i have my freedom now. And i may not have wanted it, but i definitely plan on enjoying it.
In short, met up with ex,
Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love
I'm not sure why i like this track. I hate the rest of her stuff. It all bugs me. But this song is freaking awesome.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure
I'm not sure what they mean by this... I would assume it's a song that i enjoy but really shouldn't. But that seems to run into tomorrows 'A song that no-one would expect you to like' so i dunno. I really have no idea what to put here... Hmm.. I'm just gonna go with this one...
Monday, September 05, 2011
Day 12: A song from a band you hate
I've never liked a single song from these guys. I keep getting told that their old stuff is good, but I've only heard the new, and it's all terrible.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Day 11: A song from your favourite band
So i missed a day. It's tempting to do a 2fer today, but i think I'll just delay the end a day. Anyway, fantastic song, even more fantastic band.
Friday, September 02, 2011
Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep
Not sure what to put here... Nothing really comes to mind, there aren't any songs that put me to sleep. So i'll put my favourite track off my favourite album for relaxation.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Burnt out
So I've been having a hell of a time these last few weeks. I'm well behind at uni, I've spent all my time at home doing assignment, I've had work, I've had a social compulsion that boarders on the pathological, and I've had to help a friend through a really rough patch. Which has left me in my current state of unbelievable apathy. On top of all that, I'm beginning to feel the crushing weight of my relationship's termination. It's all starting to come down on me. I'm really feeling the pressure, mostly from Uni work left undone, partly from the need to keep people around me as much as possible, and definitely from the beginnings of the realisation that I am once again alone. It's not a feeling I've ever been good at handling.
Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.
In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.
I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.
As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.
TL:DR
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Hopefully this won't be as bad as my previous experiences. These days i have a confidence that i could only pretend to feel before, and i have people i can rely on to support me when i need it. I also know who genuinely cares about me, and who was only interested in drama. Not that that's necessarily a good thing on it's own, but it decreases the chance of me making a mistake later on.
In the past, I've always felt truly alone, in its most strictest sense. Like there was a crater inside me, and its jagged edges pressed into my very soul. Every second was a kind of pain you have to experience to be able to imagine. But that was the past. This time feels different. When i broke up with Jana, i was devastated. Erika left me furious. Lex, apathetic. This time... I'm not sure. I feel lonely but not alone. I feel hurt but not heartbroken (not that there wasn't any of that this time, just not right now). I feel betrayed and resentful, but at the same time, understanding and somewhat sympathetic. I'm a pretty big mess of contradictions right this second.
I waver constantly between pleading and screaming, apathy and violence. I've contemplated things i never would have before, and I'm not sure if I'd go through with them, even if I'd had the opportunity. Nothing directly self harming, although I might get beat as a consequence. But my male pride was injured, and it demands a certain sort of reparation.
As for the real issue, we're still trying to be friends. It's a bit awkward at times, we're still fleshing out the boundaries. I don't want to let her too close again, or she could easily hurt me again. But at the same time i want to keep her close enough that she's still a part of my life. I'm not sure whether to err on the side of pain or loneliness. On the plus side, my depression doesn't seem to be rearing its ugly head. I think I've fought that demon for the last time.
TL:DR
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Day 09: A song that you can dance to
So many great choices. I could put some dubstep, DnB, House, Pop even good old punk rock... I could go for a classic, or something new... Hmm... I think i have to go with Party Rock Anthem. It's getting a bit stale now, but it was the fuckin boss when it first came out. And i finaly got to shuffle to it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Day 08: A song that you know all the words to
You have no idea how tempted i was to put Barbra Streisand by Duck sauce as the song for this week. Instead, I'm gonna put a song by one of my favourite bands that might not otherwise get on here.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event
How'd you like to hear the story of my first kiss? It's not very exciting, but it's filled with the kind of charm that only teenage awkwardness can produce. And it all started with the following song. I was at Lav, the party i mentioned in my last post, and Wolfmother came on. Now, being the awesomely cheesy and hopeless goofball that i was back then, I started rippin some major air guitar. Not, rollin on the floor doin full world championship shit, just some power strums and head bangs. Because let's face it, the intro to this song is killer for air guitaring.
Suddenly, out of the blue, some chick taps em on the shoulder and asks "Can you play that song?" So I threw her a goof ball grin and went "I fuckin wish." And I'm not quite sure how it happened, but we ended up dancing together.
Now she was a pretty lass. Which is saying a lot, because Jonno K once hooked up with 8 girls in one night at that party, so talent was pretty lacking. So I was pretty fuckin chuffed at just dancing with a pretty girl. Fuck it, I'll be honest, i was pretty fuckin chuffed dancing with a girl. The fact that she was pretty practically blew my head in. So when her friend suggested that we hook up, my naive little mind melted, and i somehow ended up turning her down. I'd like to say that i had some grand ideal of what my first kiss should have been like, but i was just fuckin scared of being a fuck up. Which ironically made me a fuck up. I'm like that. Way too often.
So anyway, I'd just turned down the advances of a pretty girl (although i didn't realise it at first), and for some reason she kept dancing with me. And then at one point, i remember thinking "She smells really nice" and completely without thinking, i did the single most intelligent thing I'd ever done in my life up to that point. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Which she followed up with a full on make out session. We split up after a time, just before the end of the night, and after it ended, i managed to get her number.
What followed was a complicated and confusing pair of relationships that had a pretty massive impact on my life over the next 2 years. I'm not sure if she just magically possessed traits i would later find attractive, or if she single handedly defined a large part of what is now my "type" of woman. All i know is that a large portion of the women I've been attracted to since have shared many of physical features or personality traits.
So there's the story. And i got so caught up in the telling that i nearly forgot the song. But i hope you enjoyed reading about one of the pivotal moments in my life. That's when i really started turning from a child into a young adult. Oh right, the song.
Suddenly, out of the blue, some chick taps em on the shoulder and asks "Can you play that song?" So I threw her a goof ball grin and went "I fuckin wish." And I'm not quite sure how it happened, but we ended up dancing together.
Now she was a pretty lass. Which is saying a lot, because Jonno K once hooked up with 8 girls in one night at that party, so talent was pretty lacking. So I was pretty fuckin chuffed at just dancing with a pretty girl. Fuck it, I'll be honest, i was pretty fuckin chuffed dancing with a girl. The fact that she was pretty practically blew my head in. So when her friend suggested that we hook up, my naive little mind melted, and i somehow ended up turning her down. I'd like to say that i had some grand ideal of what my first kiss should have been like, but i was just fuckin scared of being a fuck up. Which ironically made me a fuck up. I'm like that. Way too often.
So anyway, I'd just turned down the advances of a pretty girl (although i didn't realise it at first), and for some reason she kept dancing with me. And then at one point, i remember thinking "She smells really nice" and completely without thinking, i did the single most intelligent thing I'd ever done in my life up to that point. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Which she followed up with a full on make out session. We split up after a time, just before the end of the night, and after it ended, i managed to get her number.
What followed was a complicated and confusing pair of relationships that had a pretty massive impact on my life over the next 2 years. I'm not sure if she just magically possessed traits i would later find attractive, or if she single handedly defined a large part of what is now my "type" of woman. All i know is that a large portion of the women I've been attracted to since have shared many of physical features or personality traits.
So there's the story. And i got so caught up in the telling that i nearly forgot the song. But i hope you enjoyed reading about one of the pivotal moments in my life. That's when i really started turning from a child into a young adult. Oh right, the song.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day 06: A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Back in the day, me and a couple mates used to go to this underage dance party near the city. Was called Lav, and it was pretty awesome. Tomorrow's song is definitely related, but I'll share that when its time comes. For now, i can't listen to this song without remembering. Dunno why this song triggers it so much, but it does.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone
So this one needs a bit of the back story. The last night i was in Germany, way back at the beginning of 2007, i stayed at Jana's house. We were in that slightly awkward we're practically dating, but shit's about to go down, so we're not really dating yet, and we were just lying on her bed, listening to music. This song came on. I'm pretty sure i cried at the time. It so perfectly captured the moment. It went on to become 'our song' which means I haven't listened to it in a very long time, for obvious reasons. But it still reminds me of all the good that came out of that relationship. And now i can enjoy that feeling, guilt free.
Day 04: A song that makes you sad
Once again, a little late. Had a fuckin sick night in the city. Had a really fucking hot chick hitting on me, but then her and her friends left the club. So i just spent the rest of the time dancing and fuckin about. A good time was had by all i think. Anyway...
This song makes me wanna cry. It's so beautiful and so sad. I love it.
This song makes me wanna cry. It's so beautiful and so sad. I love it.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Day 03: A song that makes you happy
I'm a little bit late on this one. Just had a really awesome day hanging out with a couple of really good mates. So fucking good that it ended up going for almost 12 hours.
Anyway, today's song is Nine in the Afternoon, by Panic at the disco. This song is so ridiculously cheerful. You can't not smile when you hear it. As a side not, i actually started talking to one of the girls in the frizbee club that I'd never spoken to, and she's a massive panic fan
Anyway, today's song is Nine in the Afternoon, by Panic at the disco. This song is so ridiculously cheerful. You can't not smile when you hear it. As a side not, i actually started talking to one of the girls in the frizbee club that I'd never spoken to, and she's a massive panic fan
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Day 02: Your least favourite song
Not really sure what to put here. It's easy to cop out and put a song everyone hates. But i think I'll do something different. I'm trying to think of a song i hate, but that's sung by a band i like. None come to mind, but I'm sure they exist. So I'll do a minor cop out, and put a song people love, but that i strongly dislike.
This song just pisses me off. Partly just because i hate Pitbull, but also because i hate Pitbull. And everyone fucking loved it at the time.
Fuck off 'Mr Worldwide'
This song just pisses me off. Partly just because i hate Pitbull, but also because i hate Pitbull. And everyone fucking loved it at the time.
Fuck off 'Mr Worldwide'
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Day 01: Your favourite song
nk
I've decided to do the 30 day song challenge on here, just because it gives me some space to discuss why i chose each song. This has to be my favourite song ever, from my favourite band ever. I don't think there'll ever be a time where i don't love this song.
I've decided to do the 30 day song challenge on here, just because it gives me some space to discuss why i chose each song. This has to be my favourite song ever, from my favourite band ever. I don't think there'll ever be a time where i don't love this song.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Like pouring salt into my eyes...
Sometimes i hate being me. I care too much, and too easily. My overwhelming sense of honour and justice holds me back from saying things that i need to say, because they're not just my secrets, but someone elses. And it hurts to know that no matter how much i want to, I could never live with myself for saying them. My relationship's fallen apart. As in, past tense. I've been set on artificially lengthening it, in the hopeless delusion that I could be happy for a week. But i know that's not going to work. I fucking exploded today, over a small misunderstanding. Because every fibre of my being is in horrendous pain. I'm putting myself through the most horrible of tortures. I haven't been happy for a month now. Sadly, over the years, I've become exceptionally good at pretending I'm ok. I don't think anyone realised that i was suffering depression until about year 12. So only a few people noticed that I'm not enjoying life anymore.
It's time to stop putting myself through this. I'm sure you all know what happened to me a month ago. Or, some of it. I got dumped, out of nowhere. It could not have come at a worse time. I can't tell you why it happened, it's not my secret to share. But i can tell you why it shouldn't have. On the 27th of July, 2011, William Pandelles Georgans, one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth and the greatest grandfather I could ever have hoped for, passed away in his bed at the SAN hospital, after a 3 month fight with bowel cancer. 3 days later, my girlfriend of the last 18 months told me that we couldn't be together any more. 2 days later, we agreed that it was a mistake and should be undone. For about 4 hours, i was actually happy. And then she told me why it had happened. Part of me screams "FUCK IT TELL THEM!" And the rest of me goes, it would make things worse for everyone involved. I've only told 3 people, my mum, my conscience, and my best friend. Don't ask, i won't explain. But in the end, i accepted it, and took her back. I didn't have a choice, i needed her way too much. Because the next day was the funeral.
What followed was a period of intense self discovery for both of us. Moreso for her at first, but also for me. I was trying to make her into someone she didn't want to be, and she was giving back a mere fraction of what she was receiving. So we're calling it quits. Tomorrow will be the last hurrah, and then it will be over. And when it is, and everyone goes to type "OMFG ARE YOU OK?" like they actually care, I'll link this to you all. And those that actually care will know, that I'll be fine. Eventually. Everyone else can fuck off.
It's time to stop putting myself through this. I'm sure you all know what happened to me a month ago. Or, some of it. I got dumped, out of nowhere. It could not have come at a worse time. I can't tell you why it happened, it's not my secret to share. But i can tell you why it shouldn't have. On the 27th of July, 2011, William Pandelles Georgans, one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth and the greatest grandfather I could ever have hoped for, passed away in his bed at the SAN hospital, after a 3 month fight with bowel cancer. 3 days later, my girlfriend of the last 18 months told me that we couldn't be together any more. 2 days later, we agreed that it was a mistake and should be undone. For about 4 hours, i was actually happy. And then she told me why it had happened. Part of me screams "FUCK IT TELL THEM!" And the rest of me goes, it would make things worse for everyone involved. I've only told 3 people, my mum, my conscience, and my best friend. Don't ask, i won't explain. But in the end, i accepted it, and took her back. I didn't have a choice, i needed her way too much. Because the next day was the funeral.
What followed was a period of intense self discovery for both of us. Moreso for her at first, but also for me. I was trying to make her into someone she didn't want to be, and she was giving back a mere fraction of what she was receiving. So we're calling it quits. Tomorrow will be the last hurrah, and then it will be over. And when it is, and everyone goes to type "OMFG ARE YOU OK?" like they actually care, I'll link this to you all. And those that actually care will know, that I'll be fine. Eventually. Everyone else can fuck off.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Games I'm lookin forward to...
What: Set in the future, human augmentation is rampant, cool shit happens. That's all i really know about the plot lol.
Why: Looks like a fantastic mix of RPG and FPS elements. Also, promises great things in terms of diverse playstyles. Assaulting, Stealth, Hacking etc. all seem like genuinely possible ways to play the game. Unlike say, Oblivion, where stealth was pretty much useless for 75% of the game.
What: Gotham City has been taken over by villians (Pretty sure it's the Riddler, and that dude is fuckin bad ass), as the goddamn batman hop over there and kick some ass.
Why: The first game is fantastic. Like, you actually feel like you're the Goddam Batman! Nothing feels better than taking down a room full of bad guys without anyone seeing you. I haven't finished it yet, but setting up traps is just so much fun. The sequel should be fantastic.
What: Everyone should already know about this.
Why: Dragons. Fucking DRAGONS! FUCK! And Oblivion was fantastic, if limited, and Bethesda learns from their mistakes. So skyrim is going to be amazing. (As a side note, they invented a fucking language for the dragons! Like, creatures in the wilderness will talk dragon to you, and it can actually be translated!)
What: You're a Ninja with magic powers, who was framed for the murder of the empress you were sworn to protect. A rat plague has brought society to the brink of collapse, and killed something like 80% of the population.
Why: This game threatens to explode my head with its sheer awesomeness. The variation in playstyles is amazing. Every single scenario can be approached in any way you want. You can do every single level without killing a single enemy, even your 'target' can be left alive if you think he deserves it. If you run in and butcher guards, you might miss a conversation between them that reveals some secret you can use to make things easier later. Look at the game informer website on dishonoured. Its fantastic.
What: Climb buildings, fuck people up. Also, explore an awesome alternate history.
Why: The series has me hooked. The first game was almost unplayable at times, but the story had me playing for hours at a time. Each installment has definably better gameplay. And the story of AC:2 blew my mind. I'm buying this game on day of release. That's how much i want it.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
A brief history of plastic explosive...
Captain Cracker's Creative Clay, otherwise known as C4 was originally created by an enterprising Meth Alchemist who went by the moniker Captain Cracker. Created as a method of smuggling meth-amphetamines into southern Bolivia disguised as children's modeling putty, the volatile mixture leveled the surrounding area for 3 city blocks in every direction. Reverse engineered from trace elements left at the scene, and from scattered notes found inscribed on solid gold plates (Meth Alchemy is a high-pay high-risk job), Palestinian Naval intelligence was eventually able to stabalise the mixture, at the expense of several amateur Alchemists.
The recipe was eventually sold to the Plastic Surgeons Associative Guild (P-SAG) as a filler substance for the left buttock. Marketed under the name Gibberwuck ("Gibberwuck, more bang for your buck"), it was used to put a little extra kick in the posteriors of such famous celebrities as Malcom in the Middle, Kirsten Dunst, and that annoying kid from that movie everyone hates.
After the outbreak of world war IV, and Zombie Hitler's release of the time traveling dinosaur cavalry, the Captain's clay was drafted for military service, loaded into hundreds of cannons and used to shoot the moon out of orbit, sending it crashing into Anti-Jesus' space station, The Mighty Unicorn, effectively ending the time traveling threat and realigning the fate of the universe on a less destructive path. C4's final noteworthy contribution to the war effort was to convince his most Supreme Eminence, Al Gore To hack into the source code of the universe and restore the moon to it's proper station.
The recipe was eventually sold to the Plastic Surgeons Associative Guild (P-SAG) as a filler substance for the left buttock. Marketed under the name Gibberwuck ("Gibberwuck, more bang for your buck"), it was used to put a little extra kick in the posteriors of such famous celebrities as Malcom in the Middle, Kirsten Dunst, and that annoying kid from that movie everyone hates.
After the outbreak of world war IV, and Zombie Hitler's release of the time traveling dinosaur cavalry, the Captain's clay was drafted for military service, loaded into hundreds of cannons and used to shoot the moon out of orbit, sending it crashing into Anti-Jesus' space station, The Mighty Unicorn, effectively ending the time traveling threat and realigning the fate of the universe on a less destructive path. C4's final noteworthy contribution to the war effort was to convince his most Supreme Eminence, Al Gore To hack into the source code of the universe and restore the moon to it's proper station.
Now you're just somebody that i used to know...
Just heard this played, and it resonated strongly...
As a side note, Lady gaga's been involved in a lot of songs lately. Stuff i never realised.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DnB
Lately I've been listening to a lot of drum and bass music. That shit is amazing. To anyone who likes dubstep, it's what gave birth to that whole scene. Think of dubstep as DnB's retarded little cousin. It's faster, more consistent beat, and less annoying WUB WUB WUB WUB BRRRRRRRUB. I mean, there's still some wobbles in it, but there's actualy melody to it, not just noise. And unlike dubstep, the majority of it is acutally fairly good. If i've peaked your interest here's some tracks to youtube.
for her - x-bass.
me and you - Nero (dirtyphonics remix)
one - Netsky.
ashley - Slipstream.
just one second - Apex.
for her - x-bass.
me and you - Nero (dirtyphonics remix)
one - Netsky.
ashley - Slipstream.
just one second - Apex.
Monday, May 09, 2011
New laptop!
It's so fuckin awesome. This thing is ridiculous amounts of overkill for what i need (akin to crushing ants with a monster truck), but it wasn't actually that expensive so FUCKYEAH! For those that care, the specs are
Intel I7 something something quadcore
6G ram
500G HDD
nvidia gforce something something 1G
Anyway, it's amazing. Only problem is, it's almost too big for my backpack, and it's pretty damn heavy. Otherwise the thing is boss. I shall name it something classy and sophisticated at some point. And then I'll put an invader zim sticker on it and only ever refer to it as G.I.R.
Intel I7 something something quadcore
6G ram
500G HDD
nvidia gforce something something 1G
Anyway, it's amazing. Only problem is, it's almost too big for my backpack, and it's pretty damn heavy. Otherwise the thing is boss. I shall name it something classy and sophisticated at some point. And then I'll put an invader zim sticker on it and only ever refer to it as G.I.R.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Determinism, Free Will, and the fate of us all...
For those of you who don't know, there are two theories on how the time line of the universe will play out. The first, determinism suggests that for any given state of the universe, there is only 1 possible state that can follow it. What this basically means is that history only has 1 possible path. The alternative to this, indeterminism, is the polar opposite. It says that there is at least 1 point at which there are at least two possible states that can follow. So the time line of history has at least one place where it can branch off.
Most people i think would tend to be indeterministic. We all feel that at any moment we can do one of a number of things, all of which would change the flow of history. That if we went to work, we'd get paid, and have a food for the next few weeks, or id we didn't, and spent the day at the beach, we'd be fired and have to get a new job. Things like that. If history only has one path, it means that we never really have a choice in anything we do. However, people also seem to believe in destinies. That there is some master plan and that everything you do is leading up towards important events. These two ideas seem to conflict on the surface. How can we have choice, but still have a destiny?
The answer lies in the shape of the history timeline. Does every small change have a butterfly effect? if i step a few inches in-front of where I'm supposed to, do i cause earthquakes in south america? I'd have to say no. Your step has a lasting affect on the world, but it is insignificantly minor on a human scale. The microbes you step on, and the dust particles you disturb are forever different, but history would follow a parallel path overall, only minorly separated from the main timeline. And so one could make decisions, branch history, and then destiny could cause it to realign with required events. If I'm supposed to die being hit by a train tomorrow, no matter what i do from now on I'm going to get hit by that train.
Now that i have shown destiny and indeterminism are not mutually exclusive, there was another point I'd like to raise. Are determinism and free will mutually exclusive? Can history only have one possible path, but people still have the freedom to make decisions? Am i being compelled by fate to write this blog, or am i simply doing it because i want to?
let us run a simple thought experiment. You are sitting at a computer, reading this text. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a bright flash of light, and as it fades you realise you are standing in a room with no indication of how you got there. You look in front of you and see a door. In fact the room is perfectly square, with a door in the center of every wall. The doors are all coloured differently, red, blue, green and white. Written on a sign to the right of every door are the words "One door will lead to your freedom, the others your doom". There is no indication which door you should choose, so on a whim, you pick the blue door. Suddenly you are surrounded by a bright light. You reappear in the center of the room. You have no idea how you got there, and no recollection of the events since you first appeared. You have even been de-aged by the few minutes you spent there last time. You are exactly as you were when you first entered the room. What do you do?
Exactly what you did before. Everything, in the same order, at the same time. You would spend the rest of eternity opening the white door. Why? Because given the same information, and the same set of experiences, you will always pick the same decisions. It doesn't make sense for you to pick the white door one time, and the blue door the next, for you have no idea that the white door won't work. You'll always think that the white door is your best first option. But it is still your decision to pick the white door. You are completely capable of picking blue, or red, or green, but you never will. So you can have a fixed fate, that you bring upon yourself with your own free will, whether knowningly or not.
I'm not sure if there was more i wanted to say. This has been the effort of about 3 days on and off, so sorry if it's a bit disjointed. Comment on anything that seems unclear. And for the record, I'm pro free-will + determinism.
Most people i think would tend to be indeterministic. We all feel that at any moment we can do one of a number of things, all of which would change the flow of history. That if we went to work, we'd get paid, and have a food for the next few weeks, or id we didn't, and spent the day at the beach, we'd be fired and have to get a new job. Things like that. If history only has one path, it means that we never really have a choice in anything we do. However, people also seem to believe in destinies. That there is some master plan and that everything you do is leading up towards important events. These two ideas seem to conflict on the surface. How can we have choice, but still have a destiny?
The answer lies in the shape of the history timeline. Does every small change have a butterfly effect? if i step a few inches in-front of where I'm supposed to, do i cause earthquakes in south america? I'd have to say no. Your step has a lasting affect on the world, but it is insignificantly minor on a human scale. The microbes you step on, and the dust particles you disturb are forever different, but history would follow a parallel path overall, only minorly separated from the main timeline. And so one could make decisions, branch history, and then destiny could cause it to realign with required events. If I'm supposed to die being hit by a train tomorrow, no matter what i do from now on I'm going to get hit by that train.
Now that i have shown destiny and indeterminism are not mutually exclusive, there was another point I'd like to raise. Are determinism and free will mutually exclusive? Can history only have one possible path, but people still have the freedom to make decisions? Am i being compelled by fate to write this blog, or am i simply doing it because i want to?
let us run a simple thought experiment. You are sitting at a computer, reading this text. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a bright flash of light, and as it fades you realise you are standing in a room with no indication of how you got there. You look in front of you and see a door. In fact the room is perfectly square, with a door in the center of every wall. The doors are all coloured differently, red, blue, green and white. Written on a sign to the right of every door are the words "One door will lead to your freedom, the others your doom". There is no indication which door you should choose, so on a whim, you pick the blue door. Suddenly you are surrounded by a bright light. You reappear in the center of the room. You have no idea how you got there, and no recollection of the events since you first appeared. You have even been de-aged by the few minutes you spent there last time. You are exactly as you were when you first entered the room. What do you do?
Exactly what you did before. Everything, in the same order, at the same time. You would spend the rest of eternity opening the white door. Why? Because given the same information, and the same set of experiences, you will always pick the same decisions. It doesn't make sense for you to pick the white door one time, and the blue door the next, for you have no idea that the white door won't work. You'll always think that the white door is your best first option. But it is still your decision to pick the white door. You are completely capable of picking blue, or red, or green, but you never will. So you can have a fixed fate, that you bring upon yourself with your own free will, whether knowningly or not.
I'm not sure if there was more i wanted to say. This has been the effort of about 3 days on and off, so sorry if it's a bit disjointed. Comment on anything that seems unclear. And for the record, I'm pro free-will + determinism.
Monday, April 18, 2011
A thought experiment
What would happen if we sliced the earth in half? You see it in movies and cartoons all the time. HUEG fucking laser comes down and swipes a planet in half. Lots of explosion, billions of people die, shit gets fucked. But what would really happen?
For simplicities sake lets make a few assumptions. Firstly, the cut has no width. Second, it happens instantly, there is no drag time. Third, it passes directly through the center of the earth in a straight line.
So let us begin to analyse the effects on our beloved earth. Starting from the inside out.
Section 1: The inner core.
This is the enormous ball of solid iron at the very center of the earth. It contains a large proportion of the mass of the earth. It sits at temperatures several thousand degrees kelvin, yet remains solid because of the immense gravity crushing it together. And in all it's bad-ass-itude, it would be completely unaffected by our precision laser cut. Literally, nothing would happen to it. It's very mass would simply weld it back together the moment the cut is finished. Bad. Ass.
Section 2: The outer core.
Huge volume of melted and semi-solid rock. At temperatures that Megan Fox look like an iceberg (And she's fuckin HOT). Due to the fact that it's a liquid, it doesn't give a rats ass about the cut. Just keeps on flowin. Like the juices of a good hooker. Yeah, i went there.
Section 3: The mantle.
Pretty bad ass name right there. Just rolls off the tip of your tongue. Mantle... *shiver*. This is where shit starts to get interesting. We all know what a volcano is right? No-one who reads my blog is a bitch-ass 5 year old. Or, they shouldn't be. Given my usage of the phrase bitch-ass. Anyway. For the faggots among you, they're caused by the fucking ridiculous amount of pressure that the outer core is under. Huge fountains of liquid rock shoot out, bitches start complaining, and whole islands sink under the sea. They form at weak points of the earths crust, that solid bit all us puny humans live on.
Now, if you slice down the middle of the planet, what you do, is create a single line down which the mantle can no-longer contain this immense amount of pressure. What would end up happening is that lava would force the two halves of the mantle apart, probably by no more than a meter at its worst. Through this gap, a ring of hot burny shit would come flowing out, until the pressure of the inner core is no longer enough to hold the world apart, and it would crash back together. This would set off earthquakes, and probably more eruptions, around the globe, as the world suddenly adjusted to the massively reduced pressure that it was under. This would reduce the diameter of the earth by an amount i can't estimate, and the rearrangement of earths mass (from the lava flowing out) would probably throw our orbit and rotation out a bit. Also, people would not be very happy. Haters gonna hate. A final effect would be the areas over which large amounts of lava pooled would be more massive than average, causin them to slowly submerge back into the ground, where they would melt back into lava. But the temperature at the core of the earth would be significantly reduced due to radiation leaking out into space. So there wouldn't be as much lava, and the mantle would be thicker than before.
Section 4: The Atmosphere.
This bitch would be all "Yo nigga, what the fuck you think yo been doin?" as ash from all the volcanic eruptions slowly filled the air. All those vaporised trees, and screaming women and children would fill up the atmosphere until the sky was black 24 hours a day. This would have the effect of slowing down the rate of heat-loss into space, trapping the heat in between the mantle and cloud layer, raising the temperature of the surface of the earth to quite uncomfortable temperatures. And if that didn't kill us, we'd either choke to death on the poisonous gasses released during the eruptions, or starve as the lack of sunlight prevents us from growing food crops.
In summary, humanity gets rectally plowed, the earth gets munt-faced, and the inner core is badass.
For simplicities sake lets make a few assumptions. Firstly, the cut has no width. Second, it happens instantly, there is no drag time. Third, it passes directly through the center of the earth in a straight line.
So let us begin to analyse the effects on our beloved earth. Starting from the inside out.
Section 1: The inner core.
This is the enormous ball of solid iron at the very center of the earth. It contains a large proportion of the mass of the earth. It sits at temperatures several thousand degrees kelvin, yet remains solid because of the immense gravity crushing it together. And in all it's bad-ass-itude, it would be completely unaffected by our precision laser cut. Literally, nothing would happen to it. It's very mass would simply weld it back together the moment the cut is finished. Bad. Ass.
Section 2: The outer core.
Huge volume of melted and semi-solid rock. At temperatures that Megan Fox look like an iceberg (And she's fuckin HOT). Due to the fact that it's a liquid, it doesn't give a rats ass about the cut. Just keeps on flowin. Like the juices of a good hooker. Yeah, i went there.
Section 3: The mantle.
Pretty bad ass name right there. Just rolls off the tip of your tongue. Mantle... *shiver*. This is where shit starts to get interesting. We all know what a volcano is right? No-one who reads my blog is a bitch-ass 5 year old. Or, they shouldn't be. Given my usage of the phrase bitch-ass. Anyway. For the faggots among you, they're caused by the fucking ridiculous amount of pressure that the outer core is under. Huge fountains of liquid rock shoot out, bitches start complaining, and whole islands sink under the sea. They form at weak points of the earths crust, that solid bit all us puny humans live on.
Now, if you slice down the middle of the planet, what you do, is create a single line down which the mantle can no-longer contain this immense amount of pressure. What would end up happening is that lava would force the two halves of the mantle apart, probably by no more than a meter at its worst. Through this gap, a ring of hot burny shit would come flowing out, until the pressure of the inner core is no longer enough to hold the world apart, and it would crash back together. This would set off earthquakes, and probably more eruptions, around the globe, as the world suddenly adjusted to the massively reduced pressure that it was under. This would reduce the diameter of the earth by an amount i can't estimate, and the rearrangement of earths mass (from the lava flowing out) would probably throw our orbit and rotation out a bit. Also, people would not be very happy. Haters gonna hate. A final effect would be the areas over which large amounts of lava pooled would be more massive than average, causin them to slowly submerge back into the ground, where they would melt back into lava. But the temperature at the core of the earth would be significantly reduced due to radiation leaking out into space. So there wouldn't be as much lava, and the mantle would be thicker than before.
Section 4: The Atmosphere.
This bitch would be all "Yo nigga, what the fuck you think yo been doin?" as ash from all the volcanic eruptions slowly filled the air. All those vaporised trees, and screaming women and children would fill up the atmosphere until the sky was black 24 hours a day. This would have the effect of slowing down the rate of heat-loss into space, trapping the heat in between the mantle and cloud layer, raising the temperature of the surface of the earth to quite uncomfortable temperatures. And if that didn't kill us, we'd either choke to death on the poisonous gasses released during the eruptions, or starve as the lack of sunlight prevents us from growing food crops.
In summary, humanity gets rectally plowed, the earth gets munt-faced, and the inner core is badass.
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